Hi, how are you?

It’s almost been a month after touching down in Malaysia, in a place where I have been longing to live my life, ironically I have never felt so unsettled before.

Is this because of my progress on dissertation, our relationship or having no income at all? I couldn’t tell why.

We’ve had countless fights and hurtful blames, it’s 26/7 2:25a.m., you went for team dinner right after work, and texted me at 12:35a.m. You know I always believe on my sixth-sense, and this time it tells me that, we are practising, either to live a steadier life together, or to live a single life all over again.

Remember I’ve told you that I’ve missed single life recently, and the shock in your face made me a little curious. Tbh, don’t you miss your single life too? You don’t have to wait for a call, you won’t have any expectation, a life with no disappointments.

Rather than putting it as single life, maybe I should say I miss myself who are not so easily shaken.

I believe the day when I can be calm with whatever that comes to me, is nearing.

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365 days

It’s been the 366th day since I knew you, and it is not easy for sticking with the same person over 12 hours per day on the phone, sharing about almost everything in life.

Still I remember when I started talking to you, it felt close, regardless how short the period we knew each other, i felt safe and secure, and you seemed to be understanding what I’d been through, and standing ahead of me. You wanted to know me as a person.

It’s been 366 days talking to you, and I think we completely know about each other, and we stuck there. Going through the daily routines, saying the same thing, the same dialogue, and saying things which I know what you gonna say before you saying it.

Guess the same thing happened to you too, when I said something.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I’ve got no idea, but I thought we wouldn’t.

You asked if I’ve lost interest towards you, I wouldn’t say I do, but I lost interest in the dialogue which we already knew what we gonna say, but we still keep saying it for the sake of keeping in touch.

Do I still get excited when you’re calling? I wouldn’t say yes, because that would definitely an insincere answer, I’m picking up and sometimes honestly I would prefer staying silence because my productivity was at its best.

Is that mean if I change the communication habit means that I dont love you, if that’s the case, I would be disappointed, because I really thought you would be up for whatever that’s best for me.

These few days I’ve been thinking of going back to a councelor for counselling service, but I dont know where to, I searched for different books and videos regarding studying and trying to dig out what’s the problem, but all these days i bet you never realised what bothered me, perhaps I am good at hiding it, or perhaps you’re not that observant anymore.

Okay, I should get back to my studies now, and I think we should really take a break, just a few days, trust me.

I have this thought if you would post something up here, and you really did. funny thing is we only post things up here when we ‘re arguing, which i dont think this is the purpose for us to set up this website.

2016 in a wrap

想想還是用華文比較舒服 想看得懂自己翻譯吧

這到底是個什麼樣的一年 回憶亂得我自己都有點理不清

先從我從健康的一個家庭到我正式單親吧

還是從我莫名其妙來到英國 這什麼鬼地方

姐姐明明把我送來看世界學獨立 但彷彿才領悟 看世界 學獨立的代價 難道就是孤獨

我明明很有信心自己是不會覺得孤獨的 但彷彿才發現 一個人在難過的時候 知心的都在睡覺 那種感覺 是怎麼樣的滋味 出國留學一點都不容易 不容易的不是口音不是習俗 是怎麼和自己對話

想起幾個月前的我 難過的時候就到處轉 帶著小黑往不知名的地方往前開 彷彿再難的問題 都不會是問題 轉累了 就想通了

一個人把全部身家拿出來租一個月的房間 問題聽起來很小 但做起來我還是擔心了幾晚
手上只剩£60,也不知道怎麼熬一個月 但轉過身卻有路走了

以為來到這裏會是瘋狂的到處看看走走 但怎麼來了三個月 只去了一個倫敦 就那麼一個倫敦
想幾個月前 要買什麼化妝品 要弄幾次頭髮 要買幾件衣服 才是我考量的東西

這是我嗎 想像倒是有點害怕 原來一個人生活是怎樣的感覺

很多事情想說 想著想著就忘了想說什麼 是真的忘了嗎 還是只是結痂了

偶爾會想拋棄我的爸爸過的怎麼樣 看了他的微信後 他還是把我鎖了

想和家人商量 但想著想著 還是自己解決吧 反正自己才能最了解自己的狀況

來到這裏快四個月了 但怎麼還是沒適應這裏的鬼天氣 沒適應這奇怪的壓迫感 就快讓我窒息

回去是最好的選擇嗎 還是其實只有更多的問題 我也不知道

22歲了吳澤芝 但我彷彿還在舒適圈裡 難過的時候想一堆人 問我還好嗎 明明只有自己知道自己好不好

難過了 其實也哭不出來 我也不知道該怎麼去解釋這種感覺 是憂鬱嗎
但有一點值得慶幸的是 我發現自己真正在長知識了 真正地知道讀的每一個字 都是為知識 不一樣的心態讀一份同樣的報告感覺是截然不同的

不會太差吧 反正冬天過了春天就來了

我是真的害怕一個人倒數 真的會怕

 

 

新年快樂 愛我的每個人

Feel so much loved

As always I’m grateful to be your girl. Well, I’ve to admit I’m not a good and qualified girlfriend thou. Overly emotional and at the same time not admitting that’s my fault even I’m being excessively emotional.

I love you a lot even thou I bully you alot, I do complain alot and at times being unnecessarily honest which just broke your heart like I don’t care.

I do care thou, that’s  why I’ve always felt guilty after hurting you.

Ups and downs we’ve been through we’ve stayed stronger baby, and we’ve been stronger as time goes by don’t we.

Don’t worry I’ll leave you or giving up on us, I won’t as long as you don’t.

Nah, Im not gonna post it until I’ve a good scenery to match with the good outfit!

Love you alot my Santa Claus, and i love the coat!

I wanna stay with you Until we’re grey and old

Baby I miss you. Exactly 2 months and 19 days.

We’ve been through many ups and downs but you still put up with me. There are many more months and days till we meet. I am working to get there to you, but it doesn’t just seem to be sufficient. I will never give up baby. I wanna be able to wake up next to you like tomorrow and everyday. The days will come and we will stay till we grey and old.

Typing this while looking at you and I can’t hold my tears. 😦 Don’t give up on me and us please. I love you ❤

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I can’t and won’t stop loving you